Argue Well

“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasons with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."

Colossians 4:6

MATURE FOLLOWERS of Jesus learn to argue well. But have you ever been frustrated in trying to communicate with someone you care deeply about? Yes, we all have. It is not uncommon to have conflict reflected in caring communication. So how can we learn to argue well? One way is to use language laced with grace and seasoned with sensitivity.

Like selective seasonings over a tasty meal, we want our words to be attractive and appetizing. To argue well requires unfiltered debate, but not unfiltered attitudes. It is a patient and respectful attitude that solicits the best response. So, for example, when a friend, coworker, child, or spouse speaks with concern, we listen with understanding. The goal is to win the relationship, not to outdebate the other in a defensive exchange.

Persuasive speech without prayerful preparation becomes manipulation. Thus, spirited discussions require a Spirit-filled engagement, not carnal combativeness. One of Job’s friends asked a rhetorical question about a wise man’s words: “Would a wise person answer with empty notions or fill their belly with the hot east wind?” (Job 15:2). No, wisdom measures words well.

Arguments are inevitable if couples care for each another. The goal is not to avoid arguments, but to learn how to argue well. If you circumvent hard conversations, it will come back to hurt you more in passive-aggressive behavior. If, however, we first talk together to the Lord and then to each other, we converse with hearts aligned by the Almighty. Prayerful preparation injects grace in the flow of discussion. Like lubricant over metal gears, it keeps them running smoothly instead of grinding them to a halt.

“One who loves a pure heart and who speaks with grace will have the king for a friend” (Proverbs 22:11).

Therefore, learn to argue well by listening well and comprehending the heart of those communicating with you. Pray, as they talk, for your patience and attentiveness to their needs and wants. Once they understand you know what they mean, then share your concerns with love and affirmation. Be direct, as the Holy Spirit directs you. Those who argue well grow in respect, love, trust, and understanding of each other. Everyone wins with these Christ-honoring outcomes. By faith be vulnerable, and initiate authentic conversation.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

How can I become a listener who responds with grace and understanding?